When it's 6 am in Calgary, which place has the time of 12 am (or close to it)?
I need to know as my body lives in that time zone.
As soon as I know this, I'll try to find some work in that time zone and live there so that I don't have to go to bed when rest of the city is going to work.
It's killing me.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Wanting
The water unsettled me. As I walked within it, I could feel the warm and the cool currents but I couldn't decide on their directions. None of it....where from they were coming? where to are they going? The warmth and the coolness seemed all over me,...touching me under the skin so much that it seemed to burn me and freeze me without any warning or pattern. Without failing to do so every time, every second.
I kept walking on ...into the clinging water.
A kid looked at me from a distance and shouted "Ohh...the water is hugging you!"
Puzzled, I saw indeed the water was rising to give me a probable overwhelming hug. But I wanted to be able to keep walking. Towards the moon.
I wanted just to keep walking. Just that.
I kept walking on ...into the clinging water.
A kid looked at me from a distance and shouted "Ohh...the water is hugging you!"
Puzzled, I saw indeed the water was rising to give me a probable overwhelming hug. But I wanted to be able to keep walking. Towards the moon.
I wanted just to keep walking. Just that.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Tooti Frooti Summer Love
I found this incredibly jaw dropping video for whoever interested.
Please watch closely and hear keenly. I'm sure you haven't heard such a level of lyrics anywhere before. Do check out the pathetic guy as well.
Spoilsport as I might sound....I have a question here as well. When do these species of people stop to have/make love, .....and that too.... crazily? When do they resume again? I guess the venue changes...but I was never aware that the process actually stops!
Anyway, Enjoy the video.
Please watch closely and hear keenly. I'm sure you haven't heard such a level of lyrics anywhere before. Do check out the pathetic guy as well.
Spoilsport as I might sound....I have a question here as well. When do these species of people stop to have/make love, .....and that too.... crazily? When do they resume again? I guess the venue changes...but I was never aware that the process actually stops!
Anyway, Enjoy the video.
Concerned Questions
My printer is not working for some unexplicable reason, and this is one of the reasons I've been feeling down, of late. Thinking about why I feel down and how negative feelings are borne out of daily interactions and life situations compelled me to come to this virtual space. In addition, how an alternative situation could have led to different motivations and state-of-mind is also a point of concern.
Even though us humans tend to think in pigeon-holes and non-analytically, though categorically, life do not happen in that format. I think it is essential to recognize this plain fact, as awareness and sensitization often enable touching base with the other, if not leaving our pet projects.
Pet projects could be anything.... but the ones that are dependent on other people, usually range from: blowing in to hollow self-egos through attempts to inflate the ego of the person one-doesn't-like/person-one-can't-be-but-wants-to-be, hurling supposedly subtle satirical comments to that person in order to prove hierarchical difference of the one's self, and preaching for own ideals in order to strengthen one's own ground by converting some more followers to own camps. When these pet projects fail, people get angry. They get reticent. They get abusive.
If we do not meet these people, we would probably be less hurt, but then....hey.... we would also probably be less entertained, especially when entertainment these days comprise of very little comedy. It is wise to use as much resources as we could probably gather to do as many things are possible.
And, this gathering of resources could form an alternative to how we are taught to see things, as they are.
For example, when I choose to encroach the alternative--which requires some genuine effort and time--I am the one who's rewarded. It does take some attempt not to get angry ...when people who define films as "art films" and "commercial films", and think of Fellini as some obscure person if not a Bengali, comment on my habitus, and think that comment to be sublime and profound; it does take attempt on my part to stabilize and not feel negative when people get angry and abusive just because I swear some slang words (not at them but at the situation); it takes some attempt to continue interacting with people on civil and friendly terms even when I know they expect a very gendered role out of me.
It takes a lot of work to be polite to people. A lot. Much more than tolerating Himesh Reshamiyya or news about Anna Nicole Smith's baby's paternity.
But that attempt is well rewarded when I try to find the alternative meanings, at the end of which, I can't stop laughing and thank them for the opportunity to make me laugh.
Taking a step back, I see these people trying to hold on to their ideas and ideals which they were passed down, and grew up with; in that, they are no different. We all try to hold on to our own; except that some of us ensure the existence of our boundaries by being aggressive and intruding into other people's spaces and boundaries while some of us do not feel the need to do so.
Stepping on to other's boundaries is also conceptualized in emancipatory terms. Our beloved Tagore used to say: Strike and save those who are half-dead ("aadmorader gha mere tui bnacha") I often do think...was it designed as stepping on to other's boundaries with the responsibility resting on our shoulders to successfully complete the presumed project of saving and emancipating them?
I guess the question was more of sensitizing the other, the half-dead and the half/or fully constrained of the alternative possibilities. Knowledge, for them, would serve as strength.
But this attempt has its own costs. To do so, entails a lot of reactions bending on the negative side, which are reciprocated through vindictive attitudes and actions. It is not a good thing to assume the half-dead to be half-dead. Don't ever, dear reader, include it in your pet project....so as to hold on to your own.
If you want to maintain your boundary, flash your smile.
It's no surprise that Gandhigiri sells. I'm not selling it any further but reminding you of another possibility that flashing your smile might entail. The inherent reward, of course, comes from not having to interact with intruders to your boundary once you smile at them and laugh at them. Yes, they could get more antagonistic if given indifference. Or they could stop. Either way, you will gain....because when you are able to go beyond anger and actually laugh on them, they would hold on to their erstwhile spaces and follow you and think about you. What could be more ego boosting than that?....learning that people you don't like and don't give a damn to, doesn't stop them from thinking about you as they keep on being abusive, satirical or aggressive. That, is an upside to being in negative interactions.
But when pushed to the corner of your own space, flash your smile, and your weapon. Oftentimes, that works. This is a tried and tested thing......so you can try it sometime!
I have always antagonized people just by being by own self. The one thing that I still cannot fathom is (even after all these): If I don't step into their boundaries, what gives them the stimulation, the motivation, the reason (and of course, the right) to step into mine? What parts of me, challenge them to do so?
I promise I will say more about the answers to the above questions when I find them. If you have any idea of the answers, please let me know. You will be duly rewarded.
Even though us humans tend to think in pigeon-holes and non-analytically, though categorically, life do not happen in that format. I think it is essential to recognize this plain fact, as awareness and sensitization often enable touching base with the other, if not leaving our pet projects.
Pet projects could be anything.... but the ones that are dependent on other people, usually range from: blowing in to hollow self-egos through attempts to inflate the ego of the person one-doesn't-like/person-one-can't-be-but-wants-to-be, hurling supposedly subtle satirical comments to that person in order to prove hierarchical difference of the one's self, and preaching for own ideals in order to strengthen one's own ground by converting some more followers to own camps. When these pet projects fail, people get angry. They get reticent. They get abusive.
If we do not meet these people, we would probably be less hurt, but then....hey.... we would also probably be less entertained, especially when entertainment these days comprise of very little comedy. It is wise to use as much resources as we could probably gather to do as many things are possible.
And, this gathering of resources could form an alternative to how we are taught to see things, as they are.
For example, when I choose to encroach the alternative--which requires some genuine effort and time--I am the one who's rewarded. It does take some attempt not to get angry ...when people who define films as "art films" and "commercial films", and think of Fellini as some obscure person if not a Bengali, comment on my habitus, and think that comment to be sublime and profound; it does take attempt on my part to stabilize and not feel negative when people get angry and abusive just because I swear some slang words (not at them but at the situation); it takes some attempt to continue interacting with people on civil and friendly terms even when I know they expect a very gendered role out of me.
It takes a lot of work to be polite to people. A lot. Much more than tolerating Himesh Reshamiyya or news about Anna Nicole Smith's baby's paternity.
But that attempt is well rewarded when I try to find the alternative meanings, at the end of which, I can't stop laughing and thank them for the opportunity to make me laugh.
Taking a step back, I see these people trying to hold on to their ideas and ideals which they were passed down, and grew up with; in that, they are no different. We all try to hold on to our own; except that some of us ensure the existence of our boundaries by being aggressive and intruding into other people's spaces and boundaries while some of us do not feel the need to do so.
Stepping on to other's boundaries is also conceptualized in emancipatory terms. Our beloved Tagore used to say: Strike and save those who are half-dead ("aadmorader gha mere tui bnacha") I often do think...was it designed as stepping on to other's boundaries with the responsibility resting on our shoulders to successfully complete the presumed project of saving and emancipating them?
I guess the question was more of sensitizing the other, the half-dead and the half/or fully constrained of the alternative possibilities. Knowledge, for them, would serve as strength.
But this attempt has its own costs. To do so, entails a lot of reactions bending on the negative side, which are reciprocated through vindictive attitudes and actions. It is not a good thing to assume the half-dead to be half-dead. Don't ever, dear reader, include it in your pet project....so as to hold on to your own.
If you want to maintain your boundary, flash your smile.
It's no surprise that Gandhigiri sells. I'm not selling it any further but reminding you of another possibility that flashing your smile might entail. The inherent reward, of course, comes from not having to interact with intruders to your boundary once you smile at them and laugh at them. Yes, they could get more antagonistic if given indifference. Or they could stop. Either way, you will gain....because when you are able to go beyond anger and actually laugh on them, they would hold on to their erstwhile spaces and follow you and think about you. What could be more ego boosting than that?....learning that people you don't like and don't give a damn to, doesn't stop them from thinking about you as they keep on being abusive, satirical or aggressive. That, is an upside to being in negative interactions.
But when pushed to the corner of your own space, flash your smile, and your weapon. Oftentimes, that works. This is a tried and tested thing......so you can try it sometime!
I have always antagonized people just by being by own self. The one thing that I still cannot fathom is (even after all these): If I don't step into their boundaries, what gives them the stimulation, the motivation, the reason (and of course, the right) to step into mine? What parts of me, challenge them to do so?
I promise I will say more about the answers to the above questions when I find them. If you have any idea of the answers, please let me know. You will be duly rewarded.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Happy Days are here Again!
Yesterday was an immensely happy day, and the happiness somewhat continued albeit a break in between, since this evening.
Truly speaking, I haven’t felt happier in weeks, so to provide my friends, enemies and acquaintances some proof of non-eternal (or limited) depression, here’s what I did and why I felt happy. As they say in ANT (which colours my current belief-system,…and this is not ant or “pipre” in Bengali, that I’m talking about) ...if I explain well, I do not need to explain why.
I got up and decided to do a lot of work done yesterday. (If you haven’t really guessed by now, Work = reading moronic stuff in journals and doing even more anal stuff…and putting another dose to turning myself into a moron)
After deciding on the above, did some Yoga and felt good afterwards.
Did some TA work.
And decided next, that to compensate for this brief agony, I should satisfy my food needs.
I chose to replace Coffee as lunch to alu-chachhari and ruti. I put as much chilli powder as I could withstand without being hospitalised, and absolutely loved the hottest ever thingy later.
This food bliss was followed by the decision to take a break and read a book.
It was bliss outside too…sunny after 7 days, at 12 degrees,….. and I had nowhere to go.
Read, read and read…after so long a time, I actually read something non-academic. Found out that there’s an idyllic bliss in reading and revisiting childhood books. I was reading “Saradindu’s Aitihasik kahini Samogro”. I don’t care if you snort up your “tnyash” noses, because I don’t care about Tnyash people. This book definitely, is much better than reading Robert Ludlams, and Jhumpa-s of your world; in fact by standing up for this book, I’m actually devaluing it. Let’s not get there…
In the evening, I decided I would stall the process of turning into a moron for a bit, and continued reading the book. Next, chatted (not online, folks!) with my husband.
Night time entertainment was acquired with “Koffee with Karan” (had Konkona, Riteish Deshmukh, and that guy from RDB …Kunal Kapoor). I felt wee bit down afterwards. I used to think Konkona was more intelligent….but she appeared to be more Modern-High School-for-Girls than Delhi-bred. Hmph. I really liked Riteish ( I hate this numerology spellings)….he appeared very, very decent, restrained, sharp and witty.
Next, did some scrapping here and there. I have been observing that people derive almost a gurgling pleasure on reminding me of my recent weight gain and how ugly I look. Mostly these people are those who are fat (not obese) themselves, and I understand that this mostly comes from their need to boost their ego by flattening the curve of self-images with others. Yes, I do understand. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking of those people as assholes.
But even after these swarming attacks to my ego, I remained to keep feeling bunny-like happy. I was happy to set aside a day for myself, absolutely doing nothing, and investing in myself than project ideals of some myopic shithead academicians.
Today, happiness emerged on seeing that it was actually raining in Calgary! Not that one-a-drop, two-drop kind of rains which is the norm, but it was raining in six and seven drops.
I understand that this account is increasingly giving the hint that I would be more happy not doing what I’m currently involved in, which would be encountered only with a partial protest, the hint being a glimpse of partial truth…but it is more a matter of living life simply; living life without the pretension of we-are-doing-a-great-service-to-the-world-by-doing-our-dissertations; living life without blocking our thinking abilities and without finding life’s all pervasive glee in food, recipes and discussions of the number of publications made.
And in case you are wondering about the parochialism of the blog title, it is taken….no not from the Barbara Streisand song, but from (I can see that snort….and I don’t like it) a song of “Om Jai Jagdish” (look up imdb and raaga, I’m not giving you more details). It’s very bollywoodish, and totally is disconnected with my life situation….for I’m not wearing any churi or kangan, but only studs on my ears, (contributing much to the chagrin and gossip among my married, female and male friends/acquaintances).
The association of this line with my current state possibly stems from the way it is sung, and hence portrays the mood I’m in.
Appearances can be deceptive, eh?
Truly speaking, I haven’t felt happier in weeks, so to provide my friends, enemies and acquaintances some proof of non-eternal (or limited) depression, here’s what I did and why I felt happy. As they say in ANT (which colours my current belief-system,…and this is not ant or “pipre” in Bengali, that I’m talking about) ...if I explain well, I do not need to explain why.
I got up and decided to do a lot of work done yesterday. (If you haven’t really guessed by now, Work = reading moronic stuff in journals and doing even more anal stuff…and putting another dose to turning myself into a moron)
After deciding on the above, did some Yoga and felt good afterwards.
Did some TA work.
And decided next, that to compensate for this brief agony, I should satisfy my food needs.
I chose to replace Coffee as lunch to alu-chachhari and ruti. I put as much chilli powder as I could withstand without being hospitalised, and absolutely loved the hottest ever thingy later.
This food bliss was followed by the decision to take a break and read a book.
It was bliss outside too…sunny after 7 days, at 12 degrees,….. and I had nowhere to go.
Read, read and read…after so long a time, I actually read something non-academic. Found out that there’s an idyllic bliss in reading and revisiting childhood books. I was reading “Saradindu’s Aitihasik kahini Samogro”. I don’t care if you snort up your “tnyash” noses, because I don’t care about Tnyash people. This book definitely, is much better than reading Robert Ludlams, and Jhumpa-s of your world; in fact by standing up for this book, I’m actually devaluing it. Let’s not get there…
In the evening, I decided I would stall the process of turning into a moron for a bit, and continued reading the book. Next, chatted (not online, folks!) with my husband.
Night time entertainment was acquired with “Koffee with Karan” (had Konkona, Riteish Deshmukh, and that guy from RDB …Kunal Kapoor). I felt wee bit down afterwards. I used to think Konkona was more intelligent….but she appeared to be more Modern-High School-for-Girls than Delhi-bred. Hmph. I really liked Riteish ( I hate this numerology spellings)….he appeared very, very decent, restrained, sharp and witty.
Next, did some scrapping here and there. I have been observing that people derive almost a gurgling pleasure on reminding me of my recent weight gain and how ugly I look. Mostly these people are those who are fat (not obese) themselves, and I understand that this mostly comes from their need to boost their ego by flattening the curve of self-images with others. Yes, I do understand. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking of those people as assholes.
But even after these swarming attacks to my ego, I remained to keep feeling bunny-like happy. I was happy to set aside a day for myself, absolutely doing nothing, and investing in myself than project ideals of some myopic shithead academicians.
Today, happiness emerged on seeing that it was actually raining in Calgary! Not that one-a-drop, two-drop kind of rains which is the norm, but it was raining in six and seven drops.
I understand that this account is increasingly giving the hint that I would be more happy not doing what I’m currently involved in, which would be encountered only with a partial protest, the hint being a glimpse of partial truth…but it is more a matter of living life simply; living life without the pretension of we-are-doing-a-great-service-to-the-world-by-doing-our-dissertations; living life without blocking our thinking abilities and without finding life’s all pervasive glee in food, recipes and discussions of the number of publications made.
And in case you are wondering about the parochialism of the blog title, it is taken….no not from the Barbara Streisand song, but from (I can see that snort….and I don’t like it) a song of “Om Jai Jagdish” (look up imdb and raaga, I’m not giving you more details). It’s very bollywoodish, and totally is disconnected with my life situation….for I’m not wearing any churi or kangan, but only studs on my ears, (contributing much to the chagrin and gossip among my married, female and male friends/acquaintances).
The association of this line with my current state possibly stems from the way it is sung, and hence portrays the mood I’m in.
Appearances can be deceptive, eh?
Friday, April 6, 2007
Banal post # 567
A friend has been urging me to write/blog more. Almost everyday....and I tell her that there's nothing to write. This reason could also possibly pass as there's nothing that I could write about in the moment--and if you missed the difference between the previous and this sentence in absence of italicized words, please go back and read again--but more than that, it's possibly also because I don't seek to write about banality, .....ahem...anymore. Regardless, I thought I would give one more BIG dose of banality to keep people satisfied. It's not that there has been nothing happening in my life since my last blog update.....only that it's not worth mentioning/remembering/writing.
So what's been happening?
1. It's 6th day snowing in Calgary, relentlessly. The sky, the landscape, the visibility...everything is white, bleak and depressing.
2. I still don't have any idea whether my hardworking roomie is home or in university as always,... right now (Yvonne, if you are reading this, please post a comment. You don't even make any sound nowadays.....*sigh*)
3. I'm feeling more unfit physically and even more depressed mentally, though my face looks less bloated, somehow. I wish I could figure out the trick for future repetition. Sadly though....I still can't figure out.
4. I got in touch with some of my school friends, through orkut. Almost everybody have changed, which is normal and obvious....but somehow it seems many can't seem to come in terms with the change in me.
5. I've been wondering about the utility of keeping in touch with people....especially when there is almost no kick received out of some relationships. Unlike real life relationships, we can possibly put an end to relationships that are largely dependent on virtual communication, even though I agree with my friend Ashish (aka mycotoxin) in our failure/inability to escape the network of virtual life. With real life relationships where conversations are limited to asking me how I am, and me asking the same question with thanks and the listener reciprocating with thanks and one-liner of how s/he is, most of my virtual communications with others never cease to hurt, to be irritating, to be irrelevant, and banal. The people I love, admire and cherish,... form few of the people I interact online.
6. I have been feeling the urge to call some friends, but lack the verve and enthusiasm to maintain a normal voice level and balance. I've been loving my quiet self past these days.....to my surprise.
7. It's yet another weekend...of movies,....of cleaning,.....of hogging on to inconsequential supposedly academic work....and of reading the weekend versions of ABP and Telegraph.
I wish to go to the seaside, with my best friend, with my husband. I wish to go away from all these banality. I wish to blog better. I wish to be more interesting. I wish to be alive.
So what's been happening?
1. It's 6th day snowing in Calgary, relentlessly. The sky, the landscape, the visibility...everything is white, bleak and depressing.
2. I still don't have any idea whether my hardworking roomie is home or in university as always,... right now (Yvonne, if you are reading this, please post a comment. You don't even make any sound nowadays.....*sigh*)
3. I'm feeling more unfit physically and even more depressed mentally, though my face looks less bloated, somehow. I wish I could figure out the trick for future repetition. Sadly though....I still can't figure out.
4. I got in touch with some of my school friends, through orkut. Almost everybody have changed, which is normal and obvious....but somehow it seems many can't seem to come in terms with the change in me.
5. I've been wondering about the utility of keeping in touch with people....especially when there is almost no kick received out of some relationships. Unlike real life relationships, we can possibly put an end to relationships that are largely dependent on virtual communication, even though I agree with my friend Ashish (aka mycotoxin) in our failure/inability to escape the network of virtual life. With real life relationships where conversations are limited to asking me how I am, and me asking the same question with thanks and the listener reciprocating with thanks and one-liner of how s/he is, most of my virtual communications with others never cease to hurt, to be irritating, to be irrelevant, and banal. The people I love, admire and cherish,... form few of the people I interact online.
6. I have been feeling the urge to call some friends, but lack the verve and enthusiasm to maintain a normal voice level and balance. I've been loving my quiet self past these days.....to my surprise.
7. It's yet another weekend...of movies,....of cleaning,.....of hogging on to inconsequential supposedly academic work....and of reading the weekend versions of ABP and Telegraph.
I wish to go to the seaside, with my best friend, with my husband. I wish to go away from all these banality. I wish to blog better. I wish to be more interesting. I wish to be alive.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Amen
I think today I surpassed all my past records...of procrastination. I realize this is a highly narcissistic blog--the me-myself-my thingy- types--and even though I do realize the need to stop this, I thought I would document this shameful and indicative event in order to keep a surveillant record of one of my innumerable dark sides. In lieu of my good old blue diary, and in presence of impersonalized practice of typing on a keyboard, what could be better than a blog to serve as a Pan Opticon of sorts...?
How did I procrastinate?
By Staring at the roof;
By Sleeping;
By Staring on a blank document on Microsoft word;
By Reading and re-reading ABP and rediff websites;
By Reading orkut profiles and absolutely, undoubtedly useless community postings;
By Doing all the relevant household chores that I could possibly pass;
By continuing to procrastinate through writing this blog;
Why did I procrastinate?
I hated doing what I'm and was supposed to do (the reason is always this simple).
Realizing this is commonplace. Realizing this and continuing to be stupid enough to carrying on procrastinating is somewhat commonplace too. Making a blog (and an increasingly boring one at that...) would also perhaps be commonplace (based on my experience, at least).
And I'm not going to suggest a climactic "but this is not commonplace" piece. I am quite commonplace so there's no point in pretending to be the other, is there?
So why I'm writing even this very sentence? Apart from documenting and creating an unabashed drum beating blog?
Because facing our own selves sometimes enables observing and correcting the things we don't like in us. If we do possess the ability to correct, that is. But even then, the wish is always there.
I desperately wish ...I wasn't a member of Procrastinators Anonymous.
There, I said it.
Here, I end it. (it=blogging; also, it=procrastinating)
I would not cross this record of Procrastinating.
Amen.
How did I procrastinate?
By Staring at the roof;
By Sleeping;
By Staring on a blank document on Microsoft word;
By Reading and re-reading ABP and rediff websites;
By Reading orkut profiles and absolutely, undoubtedly useless community postings;
By Doing all the relevant household chores that I could possibly pass;
By continuing to procrastinate through writing this blog;
Why did I procrastinate?
I hated doing what I'm and was supposed to do (the reason is always this simple).
Realizing this is commonplace. Realizing this and continuing to be stupid enough to carrying on procrastinating is somewhat commonplace too. Making a blog (and an increasingly boring one at that...) would also perhaps be commonplace (based on my experience, at least).
And I'm not going to suggest a climactic "but this is not commonplace" piece. I am quite commonplace so there's no point in pretending to be the other, is there?
So why I'm writing even this very sentence? Apart from documenting and creating an unabashed drum beating blog?
Because facing our own selves sometimes enables observing and correcting the things we don't like in us. If we do possess the ability to correct, that is. But even then, the wish is always there.
I desperately wish ...I wasn't a member of Procrastinators Anonymous.
There, I said it.
Here, I end it. (it=blogging; also, it=procrastinating)
I would not cross this record of Procrastinating.
Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Protected by:
