Feeling like Coffee

I'm feeling incurably low again. It started as a chain reaction, except in the middle, my fantasy man, Srk, did manage to pull it up. But then, after doing the methodology class I fell into my low, depressed state of mind and went back to feeling alienated. I know nobody cares actually about how I feel and writing a blog is nothing but to fulfill some of our ego-boosting needs, ...still we do things we hardly know why we do. And I don't have a reason, neither a clue as to why I'm baring my state of mind here. I'm hoping for a cathartic action but it isn't coming.

I guess it started when the alarm rang at 8 am. I quarter-opened my right eye and saw the nightish sky and thought about the second alarm (which was set at 8:15 am). Then I selected it, edited it, and deleted it. The third alarm would save me, I thought, which was set at 8:25 am.

But the guilty consciousness of this whole ludicrously lazy and procrastinating choice wouldn't let me sleep in. I finally left the comforting haven of my bed at 8:21. Showered and when I came out, it was 8:52.
**Crap! I will miss my bus!** [bus leaves at 9:06 am]

Barely dried my hair and stormed out at 9:07. And yes, I did miss my bus. [I started feeling low...]

But the second one (no. 9) came along at 9:15.

I felt so better and felt jubilant that the day indeed started in such a beautiful way, even though it was looking so utterly gloomy.

I was wrong.

With the coffee in my hand (to keep awake) I reached class at 9:33. lecture had already started. And when the class finished, I felt more certain that I had made a major career blunder by coming to Calgary.

Not only do the courses make no sense, the students don't either. To make matters worse, I couldn't help but remember and notice how they choose to make selective friends and when they make derogatory comments about Asians in their blogs.

All the bitterness came back to me, and I'm feeling like the coffee I usually have. Dark, Strong and Bitter.

However, somewhere I heard that strong and bitter words have a weak cause. I'm not sure whether the cause is weak. Honestly, I'm not. I'm not certain that all the low feeling is a figment of my imagination and not a consequence of the engulfing alienation that I feel subjected to. And that, which I cannot control, inspite of being a thinking, able, and apprently free individual. The rest of the day, as I see it from here would not make me feel any better. I will attend a seminar in half an hour, probably pick up a thing or two from the grocery store on my way back home, or probably not....who cares....do some cooking, eat, watch kbc 3 and do some internal drooling over srk (the wee bit good part of the day) and take the daily sleeping pill and try to sleep. Get up and do some blogging/reading/scrapping, ....feel down even more and probably give in to the drugged effect.

Tomorrow wouldn't be another new day. It would just be a continuation of today. Only that it would be even busier, trying to meet my own deadlines; opening emails from certain friends that complain why I don't come online and chat with them. Or, why don't I call them, ....when I have time to scrap them, the latter being a testimony to the vast leisure of time that I enjoy myself. Apparently. In response, I will probably hit "next" in my inbox (and rarely a "reply") and be convinced of the need not to explain the bad patch I'm going through. People never understand, or have the will to understand. If they did, they wouldn't be People.

Having said all these, even now, I do feel dark and bitter, as I'm not able to precisely express what I'm feeling right now.