Timeline...

As I'm fleeting in and out of prescribed and non-prescribed levels of consciousness, not helped by external aids, and trying to cope with the death in the family I realize how many more things are already dead. The problems I'm having is trying to define whether these deaths are natural, whether they are premature, whether they are justified, all these categories being deemed as mutually exclusive. A form of reasoning appears coherent but crumbles down when I try to get to the core of it. And then I realize I never existed and that I can never exist, though I might carry forward the mortal semblances and agendas to appease people, commitments and responsibilities. Yet I pay for myself to exist and a friend and a professional pay through their profession or concern/love so that I exist.

In time, they will also leave, while I try to assess how long this facade has to be maintained. I've already figured out the why-s, and have accepted the deception and unrelenting authority in them, associated with the fact that questioning never helped in finding answers and being at peace with the meshes in my life, but if only I could determine the timeline that would infuse a drop of sanity in my life. Apparently, even though we tend to believe in the freedom of the human mind and ability, we are not supposed to meddle with the timeline. Ludicrous things are also allowed to exist, as well as existences like mine where none whatsoever makes any difference. Guess just have to pull the smokescreen and go on....

Wondering how the word "deadline" found its genesis.